I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. For a long time, I didn’t want to put up with this diagnosis. I took it as a cruel joke. “Do all people feel the same as me? All people change their mood.

Everyone can be sad and happy.” I did not want to notice what was happening in my life and talk about the problem out loud. Because a man must be strong and not show his weaknesses. We have been taught this way since childhood. Probably it could go on for a very long time, but at some point I noticed that I was destroying myself day by day trying to find a way out of the hunger and emptiness that is inside of me. I do not notice how sometimes I hurt my close people. Looking for people, body and sensations to fill the emotional hunger. These feelings are devouring me. I do not realize where I go at night and why I sometimes commit this or that act. I do not sleep for several days. I am looking for myself without knowing exactly what. I am angry and I do not find. And then I lie in my bed with the desire to just close my eyes and never wake up anymore. I breathe slowly and try not to cry, because I have no right to tears. I must be strong. And no matter how it seems to me that I’m keeping everything under control. I have long lost control of the situation. And the cycles of my illness are increasingly affecting my life. I know that all this is a disease, but this knowledge does not give me strength and unfortunately does not give me the opportunity to get out of this vicious circle. I think I will regret what I am saying now.

About Alexander Lubomirskiy.

Documentary photographer from St. Petersburg. He graduated from the academy of documentary photography and photojournalism “Fotografika”. Took part in group exhibitions and publications. Prefer working on personal projects and projects dedicated to the protection of human rights.